[
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
. beautiful soul.]
"beautiful soul" is now playing on my com. reminds me of my bday and siling and the ppt n everything else. nice. =)
it's funny how memories seem to be so vivid. even more real than the real now. the power of manipulation, as i always say. your mind is you. cool right.
happy 21st bday babe. you're finally OLD, like me. =D many many happy returns. i love you to bits. stay happy n wise always okae.
i haven't been blogging. it's just so, hm. i can't find any excuses. so well. just didn't feel like blogging.
a new sem is starting and i'm kinda like looking forward but fearful. just 4 more sems to go before i'm outta there. 4 more sems to do well. i have to. it's the basic responsibilities thing. i'm a student and a teacher wannabe. so "do well" is rather crucial isn't it? great. maybe it isn't. but to me it is. i need it. i'm like u babe, i'm a perfectionist. i need to prove some self-worth. -.-"
the air in my room is so still. the night is so still. and i'm half waiting for something to happen. not now exactly, but sometime in the near future. like, yeah, i'm desperate for some kinda epiphany. like some kinda bam wham big deal to happen. so that i can say like, HEY U KNOW WAT? this this this has happened and i'm like so that that that. right now, i feel like i'm not really feeling anything or feeling something that i've always been feeling and so it's almost like i'm not really feeling anything cos that something that i'm feeling is so "used up" and i'm so accustomed to it already. SNAP OUT OF IT. i can't. so yah, i need some distractions. work will do sometimes. but not always. yeah. therapy. some kinda therapy. maybe psychiatric help. hahahah. -.-"
okae, maybe i don't want anything to happen. cos i don't wanna deal with anything. in this standstill, i just wanna whine n be happy that i have some reason to whine. whining about nothing. it's good.
i think i'm growing old. haha. i am. it's a scary thought. scarily true. ok i know, 21 is young. but it's also old. a matter of relativity. right? there's just so many things i wanna do. so constrained by time n space. the humdrum of life. the so-needed humdrum of life. the irony of it all that i can't breakaway from. i'm so weak. -.-"
but sometimes, i think i'm strong. haha. i am, alright.
talking in circles is my forte. i never really get to the point, cos i don't think i know where it is.
do you think i'm trying to sound deep and profound? i think i am. so gawd-damn proud of myself u know. * i don't mean to blaspheme*
and being acerbic is good. toughen urself to face the world. the big bad world. cherish the good.
i want to be a poet, a writer. what if i can't. and what if i can.
the humdrum of life.
goodnight.
i blogged today at 1:00 am
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